Showing posts with label ... tickles your funny bones .... Show all posts
Showing posts with label ... tickles your funny bones .... Show all posts

Monday, 12 July 2010

... tongue twisters ...

A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.
Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter's bitter! But a bitof better butter will but make my butter better" So she bought some betterbutter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so 'twasbetter Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!
Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit? A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
If you understand, say "understand" .If you don't understand, say "don't understand".But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand! I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
RED BULB BLUE BULB RED BULB BLUE BULB
"RED BLOOD BLUE BLOOD"
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
if a sledering snail went down a slippery slide would a snail sleder or slide down the slide
- By S.Walton
bubble bobble, bubble bobble, bubble bobble
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
Lala Gope Gappungam Das.
You curse, I curse, we all curse, for asparagus!
Kacha papaya pacca papaya Kacha papaya pacca papaya Kacha papaya pacca papaya.
Sanjeev's sixth sheep is sick.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Betty bought butter but the butter was bitter, so Betty bought better butter to make the bitter butter better.
A sailor went to sea To see, what he could see. And all he could see Was sea, sea, sea.
A box of mixed biscuits, a mixed biscuit box.
Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller.
Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
SIXTH SICK SHEIK'S SIXTH SICK SHEEP
Which watch did which witch wear and which witch wore which watch?
Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
How much wood could a wood chuck; chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Paresh P Patel plans to peel potatoes in Pune
An Ape hates grape cakes.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. And on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE ,BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS,ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES
A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. the skunk thought the stump stunk. What stunk the skunk or the stump?
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo......
My Bhaiya buys black Bananas by the bunch.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors. Friendly Fleas and Fire Flies
If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, FuzzyWuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... was he???
How many cans can a canner can, if a canner can can cans? A canner can can as many cans as a canner can, if a canner can can cans.
How much wood could a wood chopper chop, if a wood chopper could chop wood? If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
If Freaky Fred Found Fifty Feet of Fruit and Fed Forty Feet to his Friend Frank how many Feet of Fruit did Freaky Fred Find?
Penny's pretty pink piggy bank
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"
A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, 'Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?'
One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Black bug's blood.
Crisp crusts crackle and crunch.
It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Tie a knot, tie a knot.Tie a tight, tight knot. Tie a knot in the shape of a nought.
Freshly-fried fat flying fish
Rubber baby-buggy bumpers.
Jolly juggling jesters jauntily juggled jingling jacks.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king's kitchen. Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, Where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought ??
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,but the stump thunk the skunk stunk. She saw a fish on the seashore and I'm sure The fish she saw on the seashore was a saw-fish. Swan swam over the sea, Swim, swan, swim! Swan swam back again, Well swum, swan!
A Tudor who tooted a flutetried to tutor two tooters to toot.Said the two to their tutor,"Is it harder to tootor to tutor two tooters to toot?"
If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
Betty Boughter bought some butterBut she said the butter's bitterIf I put it in my batterIt will make my batter bitterBut a bit of better butter will make it better than the bitter butterSo she bought a bit of better butterAnd put it in her batter And her batter was not bitter So t'was Betty Boughter bought a bit if better butter and put it in herbatter and her batter was not bitter.
Here's the answer: The doctoring doctor doctors the doctor the way thedoctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor.Not the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored.
Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's sawBefore See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawedSoar's seesaw.So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawedSoar's seesaw!
I cannot bear to see a bearBear down upon a hare.When bare of hair he strips the hare,Right there I cry, "Forbear!"
A tree toad loved a she-toadWho lived up in a tree.He was a two-toed tree toadBut a three-toed toad was she.The two-toed tree toad tried to winThe three-toed she-toad's heart,For the two-toed tree toad loved the groundThat the three-toed tree toad trod.But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain.He couldn't please her whim.From her tree toad bowerWith her three-toed powerThe she-toad vetoed him. Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooedshilly-shallied south.These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a shed.
You've no need to light a night-lightOn a light night like tonight,For a night-light' s light's a slight light,And tonight's a night that's light.When a night's light, like tonight's light,It is really not quite rightTo light night-lights with their slight lightsOn a light night like tonight.
Of all the felt I ever felt,I never felt a piece of feltwhich felt as fine as that felt felt,when first I felt that felt hat's felt.
I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thoughtI thought I thought.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

... miscommunication ...

--- In New Delhi , Mr. Sharma comes homes one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody"

..The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from DEB (Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?"

"Yes......speaking"

DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, maam, it's in our files!" says the DEB guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files.....HOW????"

"Yes..... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"

"Oh my Goodness!!!! ! This is too much....."

"Madam, I am sorry....... I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue".

"I know that..... Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the DEB office the next morning.

"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife is one month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at DEB, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

Thursday, 5 November 2009

... son's best friend ...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

... jokes ...

Q: Why are condoms transparent?

A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:

Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:

Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?

Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?

A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?

A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?

A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.

They give like hell.

They do not yell.

They do not tell.

They do not swell and

there is no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Thursday, 8 October 2009

... english ...

British English vs. Singaporean English

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS

Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Singaporean: No stock!

RETURNING A CALL

Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Singaporean: Hello, who call huh?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY

Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Singaporean: S-kew me..

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY

Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Singaporean: No need lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION

Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Singaporean: (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING

Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Singaporean: No need shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE

Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Singaporean: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER

Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Singaporean: Don't want lah.

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

Britons: Err... Tom, I have to stop you there. I understandwhere you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Singaporean: You mad ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE

Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Singaporean: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU...

Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?

Singaporean: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION

Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..

Singaporean: Die lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED

Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Singaporean: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG

Bitons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Singaporean: Like that also don't know how to do!

WHEN SOMEONE FARTED

Britons: Oh my, please pardon me.

Singaporean: Not me ah!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

... managing to survive these tough economic times! ...

A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...

DEAR Sunita Darling,I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crises has affected my company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,

JITA SINGH

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses,

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

  1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
  2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
  3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
  4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
  5. Miscellanoeous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...Shall I plan the same for the next month? Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart,

Kichi

Saturday, 26 September 2009

... 朱德庸comics ...

朱德庸漫画集,很有意思…用心体会… 是一篇非常有感受的文章,有很多的部份,都可以引起很多人心中的澎湃跟共鸣。

壹~~

~~ 叁~~ 肆~~ 伍~~ 陆~~ 柒~~

捌~~

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

.. cheer up!! ..

大牛要娶中国女人, 对方要他把自己的缺点写在纸上才考虑,他写《大牛比较懒》,却把她给吓跑了。

为什么?因为中国人习惯从右边读起。

~~~~~~~~~~

一对老夫妻在家中吃着饭时,老太婆一时兴起对老太公说:

“不如我们重温一下以前的日子。”

于是,两人就脱光衣服坐下吃饭。不久,老太婆害羞的说:

“想不到我八十多岁还有少女情怀,看到了你身体还觉得热热的。”

老太公看了她一眼对她说:

“你的一对奶奶都掉进汤里了,你当然觉得热啦!”

~~~~~~~~~~

两只青蛙相爱了,婚后却生了只蛤蟆!

青蛙爸一看就大怒:贱人,怎么回事?

青蛙妈哭着说:小青爸,认识你之前我整过容嘛。

~~~~~~~~~~

狗看上了熊;对熊说:嫁给我吧,你会幸福的。

熊回说:我才不呢,嫁给你只能生狗熊!我要嫁给猫,生了熊猫有了身份后,以后日子就好过了!

~~~~~~~~~~

蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶,蝴蝶却嫁给蜗牛。

蜜蜂不解:他那里比我强?

蝴蝶回:人家好歹有自己的房子,哪像你住集体宿舍啊!

~~~~~~~~~~

公司招聘员工,几百个大学生争相自报家门:

‘我南大’、‘我新大’、‘我北大’…

突然,一女响亮声起:“我胸大”!

董事长一拍桌说:“就是你了!”

Friday, 26 June 2009

... a very touching moment ...

(Dedicated to a wonderful feeling called - FRIENDSHIP)

Year : 1975

Situation : Last day of school

Arjun Singh and Pargat Singh are very close friends. The whole school talked about their friendship. They had been friends right from their kindergarten days. They have studied together, roamed around together, sat together in school, ate together. They both wanted to become Police officials and serve the country.But today was a day they always dreaded. It was their last day together.

On their way back from School Arjun started talking

Arjun : Bro! I am moving to a different city to study. I will miss you man

Pargat : I will miss you too mate. But nothing can break our friendship. We will at least meet once every year.

Arjun : Yes that is a deal and they parted with tears in their eyes...

As time went by, both got busy with their work life. They kept their promise for two years and after that they moved on with their own lives and in the process Arjun lost his contact with Pargat. Time went by and both became Police Officers.

Year: 2009

Venue: The Police station where Arjun works

Tring... Tring... Arjun picks up the call and he gets a pleasant surprise...

"Is this Arjun?"

"Yes. Who is on the line?"

"Bro. Its Pargat! I just found out that you are posted in this station"

Tear drops welled up Arjun's eyes

Arjun : Where are you?

Pargat : I am standing outside the Police station. Come Out

Arjun : Is it? I am coming right away.

Arjun rushed out of the Police station and saw Pargat standing outside. They were seeing each other for the first time after thirty years. He wanted to go and hug his friend. But he could not hug his friend.

It was a very touching moment for both of them :

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Have you ever seen a touching moment like this?

Friday, 5 June 2009

... good one!! ...

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a Marijuana cigarette.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing Opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a Heroin shot...

The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers...

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"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on Cocaine!"

Thursday, 4 June 2009

... don't judge too quickly ...

in life, all of us always judge things too quickly..

are you one of them??

here's some example.. enjoy!

Romantic Dinner that becomes .... murder??? eating brownie or .... pooh??? electrocute the fly or .... patient???

Monday, 18 May 2009

... memoirs of institue of mental health ~ jokes ...

Record I

Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"

Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp andconcise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names to remember!!!"

Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back to the original place?"

Record II

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal... so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?"

Patient: "I will not be able to see..."

The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."

Record III

IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.

The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to understand her behavior first.

So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted besides her everyday. The days go by... the two of them squatted side-by-side without a single exchange of word.

After one solid month, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV

A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.

Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"

Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."

Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)

So she asked again: "So... what's written inside?"

Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"

Record V

Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.

After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top: "Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"

The patient on top replied: "No. no... I can't... I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI

One patient visited the doctor: "Doc... How? I think I'm a chicken since the day I was born..."

Doctor: "Wah! That’s very serious... Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"

Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him and said "can't even fix such a simple problem... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

"Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you doing here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

... mr pig 2 ...

献给所有不懂得" 吃蛇" 的人

这个故事告诉我们, 在工作上, 千万不要做超出我们的工作范围, 就算会, 也假装不会... 就算闲空, 也假装很忙... 这样, 你的地位就会坐的很稳

俗语都有说: 多做多错, 少做少错, 不做就不会错.

今天开始, 你就不要做太多啦, 有空就 send send e-mail, 这里八一八, 那里八一八

俗语都有说: 无惊无险,又到 6 点(下班时间)

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Friday, 24 April 2009

Monday, 23 March 2009

... jokes ...

Poor guy *Dirty Jokes*

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"

Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Blonde Joke

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Friday, 20 March 2009

... 國文老師的告白 ...

我是個國中的 國文老師,生平最痛苦的事情就是改作文!! 字醜就算了,還會自己學倉頡創字!! 創字就算了,還會用自己奇怪的邏輯寫句子!!每次都改到哭笑不得…………

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1、元旦時,我們全家一起到歷史博物館參觀「冰馬桶」

師評:有這樣的東西嗎?我也要去!(兵馬俑)

2、早上起床整裡「遺容」後,我們到學校集合,搭車前往墾丁畢業旅行

師評:不知道你家是哪一家殯儀館?老師一直都不知道…(儀容)

3、昨晚左眼皮跳個不停,當時就覺得那是「胸罩」,果然今天皮夾被扒走了!

師評:孩子,你已經這麼大了嗎?(凶兆 )

4、報上說重金屬污染過的牡蠣,可「治」癌…

師評:一字之差,養蚵人家翻身矣!我是不是該趕快去養牡蠣?會賺到翻哦… (致癌)

5、昨晚我和同學到速食店吃晚餐,我們點了兩個漢堡、「雞份一塊」

師評:好吃嗎?雞糞?(雞塊一份)

6、星期天準備外出逛街時,匆忙之間不小心給「肛門」夾到,真倒楣!!

師評:老師很好奇──誰的肛門這麼大…?(鋼門)

7、四下無人,不要從背後 拍我肩膀,我很容易「受精」

師評:孩子,我可能是你爸哦… 老師記得曾這樣讓很多人「受精」喔!(受驚)

8、逛完花市後,我花錢買下「賤男」,準備帶回家過年。

師評:發音正確一點,「劍蘭」會哭的…

9、我的歷史老師長髮披肩,個子矮小,脾氣不好,有一點點「胸」

師評:歷史老師要我轉告你「等下上歷史課﹐皮給我繃緊一點。」(兇)

10、我認為自己是個品學兼「憂」的好學生…

師評:你是該憂了──不及格。(優)

11、在「崎嶇坎坷」的人生「康莊大道」上,我們要堅定方向…

師評:此路可繼世界八大奇蹟兵馬俑之後,登上第九大奇蹟。

12、從小就住在我們家隔壁的陳伯伯住家三樓最後面一間廚房不知道為什麼會三不五時地飄來一陣又一陣烹煮紅燒牛肉時所散發出來的濃濃迷人中藥味道…

師評:明天麻煩你一口氣唸完這句給我聽,不准換氣。

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這次出的作文題目是:美食與我

我非常沾沾自喜,相當期待這麼生活化又簡單的題目一定能讓他們發揮的淋漓盡致,可以減輕我每次改作文到快往生的噩運!!!沒想到我錯了!!!!!!! 這些天兵天將們每個都是未來的棟樑????……

節錄一些下來:

1. 我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片,但是生魚片最讓我困擾的地方就是他的魚刺很多。

2. 我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片,唯一美中不足的是,他總是沒煮熟。

3. 我最喜歡吃的美食是青菜,青菜中最喜歡吃的美食是白菜,為什麼喜歡吃白 菜呢?因為他是青菜的一種。

(繞口令嗎?)

4. 我最喜歡吃滷肉飯跟貢丸湯,他們對我來說不只是一種美食,而是……兩種美食。

(真是謝謝你的數學教學)

5. 我最喜歡吃外婆煮的菜,裡面包含了很多愛心,但是萬一外婆死了我就吃不到了,所以我要趁外婆還活著的時候,叫他每天煮三餐給我吃。

(這算虐待老人嗎?)

6. 我最喜歡吃那種在外面跑的雞肉。

(所以你要吃雞肉前都要追著他跑?)

7. 我最喜歡吃美食,是那種出現陸地上,天天都看的到的那種肉。

(人肉?)

8. 我對美食的要求很嚴格,他不能是由一位傷心的廚師做出來的。

連續劇看太多了,孩子)

9. 媽媽很厲害,他下廚以後,可以把一顆蛋變成一顆荷包蛋。

(不然呢?)

10. 每次媽媽煮完菜我們全家都會歡呼,於是媽媽就走進廚房再做第二道。

(原來你家都是一道菜煮完再煮一道…)

11. 我很喜歡跟爸爸去逛夜市,因為美食都能讓我感到垂涎三尺,只要我看到那 些食物出現,就會跟爸爸說我要吃這個我要吃那個結果我當然什麼都沒吃到。

(好心酸的孩子)

12. 我最喜歡吃媽媽煮的菜,跟外面賣的差的可遠呢!

(那到底是好吃還是不好吃?)

13. 世界上美食很多,其中我最喜歡吃的外國料理是台南擔仔麵。

(同學,請問你是哪國人?)

14. 生魚片實在是太好吃了,每次一想到我的口水都會緩緩的滴下來…

(慢動作嗎?)

15. 有一樣食物讓我百吃不厭,那就是雙胞胎,名字聽起來大家一定都會覺得很 奇怪,沒錯,他就是很奇怪。

(這樣有解釋到嗎?)

16. 我吃東西總是又快又急,沒辦法,熟能生巧嘛!

(我呼吸總是又快又急,沒辦法,熟能生巧嘛…!)

有前輩說:他上輩子殺了人,所以這輩子處罰他當老師。唉... 我想我不只殺了人,還是…………

殺.. 錯.. 人.. 才會淪落到當國文老師…………

換小學老師了:

1。題目:一邊……一邊……

小朋友寫:他一邊脫衣服,一邊穿褲子。

老師批語:他到底是要脫還是要穿啊?

2。題目:其中

小朋友寫:我的其中一只左腳受傷了。

老師批語:你是蜈蚣嗎?

3。題目:陸陸續續

小朋友寫:下班了,爸爸陸陸續續的回家了。

老師批語:你到底有幾個爸爸呀?

4。題目:難過

小朋友寫:我家門前有條水溝很難過。

老師批語:老師更難過。

5。題目:又 又

小朋友寫:我的媽媽又矮又高又胖又瘦。

老師批語;你的媽媽是變形金鋼嗎?

6。題目:你看

小朋友寫:你看什麼看!沒看過啊

老師批語:沒看過

7。題目:欣欣向榮

小朋友寫:欣欣向榮榮告白。

老師批語:連續劇不要看太多了!

8。題目:好吃

小朋友寫:好吃個屁。

老師批語:有些東西是不能吃的。

9。題目:天真

小朋友寫:今天真熱。

老師批語:你真天真。

10。題目:果然

小朋友寫:昨天我吃水果,然後喝涼水。

老師批語:是詞組,不能分開的。

11。題目:先……再……,例題:先吃飯,再冼澡。

小朋友寫:先生,再見!

老師批語:想像力超過了地球人的智慧。

12。題目:況且

小朋友寫:一列火車經過,況且況且況且況且況且況

老師批語:我死了算了 @@

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

... funny signages ...

(一定要從左到右看喔!)

Thursday, 22 January 2009

... boss and his secretary ...

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate?"

Boss was not smart enough to understand, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled! When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood... He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, "When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tyre."

Boss went back to his office mumering... kan ni nau bu......

Wednesday, 21 January 2009


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